Addicted to Teenage Vampire Series—Shhhhhhhh

This column is dedicated to all you men who are closet Stephenie Meyer fans, who have read all her vampire books: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and who could hardly wait until August 2 for the fourth and final book to hit the shelves. You also couldn't wait to find out who Bella would choose and what was to become of her.

The problem with living in the closet with some “well-kept” secret is that, well, you’re in the closet hiding your fetish from the world. I know this because I have met many others who have either confided in me or have stepped out of the wardrobe and openly admitted that they are addicted to the teenage girl vampire drama series.

Here are a few tips to help you stay in the closet and keep your manly image while reading Ms. Meyer:

1. Remove the sleeve off the book when reading in public. Book Three is the best because it is completely black except for the book info on the spine—keep this part of the book on your lap or covered by your hand at all times.

2. If reading one of her soft cover books, lay the book completely flat on your lap or do the old high school trick—simply remove all the contents of your Franklin Day Planner, insert book with spine against seven rings, keep zipped until the coast is clear, then read on about Bella and her vampire boyfriend who is “so perfect,” with “the most beautiful skin” and “sweet scent,” that she has ever witnessed in her entire seventeen years of life (Yes, I know she turns eighteen in the series, in case you were thinking of correcting me).


3. If someone recognizes the book while reading (as happened to me on the Frontrunner train by a lady who was rereading the series for the third time and who nearly screamed like she was at an N’Sync concert when she spied Book Two in my hands) and there are other men around, quickly focus on the vampire action within the book. This always helps to overshadow the teenage girl stuff and sparks the attention of eavesdropping men who will likely go home and read the book if you focus on the action, blood and violence—oh, and don’t forget the werewolves.


4. If the above tips don’t help you in saving face, carry this script around in your pocket to use in an emergency:

“My wife talked me into reading them. It was so hard to get through the first 100 pages because the book is written in first person and experiencing the thought patterns of a passionate teenage girl isn’t all that interesting. I gave up on the book several times but finally the vampire scenes began and now I can’t putted the darned thing down at night.”


5. If you find yourself in a mixed-group conversation that suddenly becomes a Stephenie Meyer book club discussion, hold back if you are the only male. If there are other males within the circle, wait for them to disclose first before acknowledging your obsession. This will take a significant amount of self-discipline because you will likely want to process some of your favorite chapters and weigh-in on the decision you think Bella should make. Dismiss yourself from the discussion and find an ESPN station quick if your desire to discuss the books is as strong as Jasper’s reaction was when Bella cut her finger at her birthday party.

6. If you sense that other men are not buying your vampire emphasis, talk about other manlier vampire books or frightening movies you have seen. This will likely create a diversion for you and will give you studlier material to help you bond with them and see you as a real man.


7. DO NOT under any circumstances, I repeat, DO NOT, mention that you used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I personally never saw one episode of the show, but if you were a fan, mentioning that you used to love watching a weekly series about a teenage girl named Buffy who fought off vampires will do nothing more than solidify others’ opinions that you are definitely someone who also reads Jane Austin or watches Anne of Green Gables during the PBS telethon each year.


8. If you talk about the vampire movie you saw on television when you were four called The Night Stalker, make sure you leave out the part about having your most disturbing childhood nightmare that caused you to roll out of the bed and hit your head on the heater vent. This is also an image damager.


9. If you have other manly tips for protecting your image while reading the vampire series, please let me know and you will remain anonymous. I will get them out to our fellow male Bella and Edward fans through my underground network.


For the females who have not read the books, my wife, (wink, wink) recommends them and thinks they are exceptional.


If you have read the books, please be considerate when discussing the books with men in public settings. We are likely to discuss our opinions and favorite parts if you approach us in a discrete and confidential manner.


For the males who have not read the fast-moving, blood and gore, violent vampire and werewolf books by Stephenie Meyer, I highly recommend you get in on the action.


And now, here’s one of my favorites from Book Two that makes a guy embarrassed to think, let alone disclose, that he is actually interested in these books:

“His skin was, as always, smooth, hard, and very cold. He gave my fingers a gentle squeeze. I looked into his liquid topaz eyes, and my heart gave a not-quite-so-gentle squeeze of its own. Hearing the stutter in my heartbeats, he smiled again.”